TOPIC: Planters Mixed Nuts

Why do they really mix nuts?

Johnny Depth:

You know today I was running around the house doing odd little jobs--laundry, cleaning, what have you--and I was feeling a bit hungry. While pulling cloths out of the dryer, I thought to myself: "I deserve a break. I am getting shit done on a Sunday, and I deserve a break." So I took a break--which eventually led to me doing nothing for the rest of the afternoon. But while on my break, I grabbed some Planter's Mixed Nuts to stave off the nagging ache in my belly. While eating them, I found myself sorting through the can--literally searching for cashews and pecans (I think they are pecans). It later occured to me that mixed nuts is a ploy for the nut companies to get rid of all of the shitty nuts. Really! I don't enjoy peanuts or almonds that much. In fact I am about 88% sure that almonds were created by God to torchure man--almonds and women. Mixing nuts is like making people by an entire album of music or bundling movies. They are tricking you into thinking your getting more than you are.


Tricky Dick abides:

First of all, say "Tricky Dick abides" ten times fast.....then head butt the work associate in closest proximity to you........and then start knawing on your computer power cable (how many licks does it take to get to the tangy electrical part?). Man, that is really fun to say. I can't even comment yet because I am just sitting here white-man rapping "tricky dick abides......tricky trick....tricky dick trick......tricky dick abides!!". Hooray...

Ok, so mixed nuts....I really like almonds you racial nut profiling mongrel. I really like women too, until they begin talking, but I still like them. How come they don't sell women in bundles?

*NOTE: EXTREMELY SEXIST COMMENTS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE ONTO THE SCREEN.....I APOLOGIZE BUT NOT REALLY.

Seriously, if I could go buy, or better yet RENT a bundle of women....that would be ideal for me. One to sit in the captain's chair, one that could cook like a banshee, one who knows better than stick the little red mitten in with my white collared (now pink collared) shirts, and one who knows her way around a 6 cylinder Ford Ranger engine. I would probably buy...er...RENT two of them in case we blew one out. Maybe I could find one also that knows how to change out spares on women rentals. Please make this happen Johnny.

Johnny Depth:
Your proposal is a controversial one. Let me restate your request so you can clarify that I am on the right track here. You propose the exchange of women and their services for money. This is possible, but not economical--just ask Hugh Heffner. He has to sell magazines with photos of his bundled blondes just to keep the racket up. On a side note, that guy is one strange ranger--lucky but strange. It seems that we would have an ideal situation if we were presently in the Middle Ages--back when women were treated like dogs and men were dogs. However, this transport through time would not do much good. In the Middle Ages, to cook like a banshee was to cook like an mythical fairy woman--probably a bad thing-- laundry was something Kings did on the weekend, and a six cylinder Ford Ranger was a swordsman who carried around six cans and guarded river crossings. So, with that being said, we teleport back to the present and face the facts. Unless you could make it hip and trendy for a woman to cook, clean, and mechanic, then our only option is to throw money at the problem. Our best bet is to apply for a government grant, hire Paris Hilton to set the trends, and sit back and enjoy the fall out. What say you Tricky?

TOPIC: Snakes on a plane.

Question: Is Hollywood even trying anymore?

ANSWERS:

Tricky Dick Shouts:
I can't believe what the fuck I am seeing on TV previews these days for scary movies. It looks like they finally stopped running images and noises through a blender to add for the ever-so-spooky distortion effect, and finally just went to snakes......on a plane. SNAKES ON A PLANE?!!! Are you fisting me? Apparently they just stopped trying to create morphed and morbid ideas and went strictly with "We're going to take a phobia of some sort....and put it on a......plane......?". I took zero time (i.e. time stopped when I did this because it was so fucking easy) to come up with 5 sequals that will be coming to a theater and wallet near you.

1. Snakes on a rollercoaster without seat belts.
2. Snakes in a cement plant. (oh the horror!)
3. Snakes inside of snakes on a plane.
4. Snakes in every toilet bowl.
5. Snakes with wings......and......feelings (oh the humanity!)

It will be nice, because you can basically use all of the actors......and CGI snakes for that matter to make every one of these movies. Why don't we just cut out the actors all together and make something like "Donkey's with fangs, and detachable jaws.........and ears!!!".
I heard at one point in time they were trying to change the name to something a little more catchy.......and a little less plot revealing I suppose, but Samuel L. Jackson said he wouldn't do it if they changed the name. But really, what name could you change it to instead of what you've already got? Here's some options for that too.....

1. And I was worried about terrorists.
2. Who brought all of these fucking snakes on board? What the hell? Not cool.
3. 1st class and the snake in the grass (which sounds far too similar to "splish splash I was takin' a bath" but I left it anyways)
4. Our in-flight meal today is DEATH!!
5. Time to jump.

This plane no doubt is going to end up in a corkscrew nose-dive into the ground.....just like Samuel L. Jackson's career after making it.........

Johnny Depth:

Tricky... I know exactly what you need. Put on your headphones, click the following link (Loituma), and let your troubles melt away. And how about "Bad Shit at 35000 ft, and the one MFer bad enough to handle it" The only awards this film is going to win will be at the MTV Video Music Awards... And that isn't a good thing.

TOPIC: Telemarketing

Question: Does anyone buy products offered by telemarketers?

ANSWERS:

Johnny Depth Remarks:

I hate those calls from telemarketers. I really don't like to talk on the phone in the first place, and when someone calls when I am busy enjoying my day or working, I really don't want to listen. They go through this sales pitch that I don't want to hear. If I need something then I will go and get it. I want to know who the idiots are out there that are buying from these solicitors. Who is fucking it up for the rest of us? There has to be somebody out there buying or the solicitors would have gone out of business long ago. You must be mental if you buy a product over the phone that you haven't even seen. Not only do you most likely not need the product, but you are trusting that a total stranger is really pushing something legitimate and not some scam. This makes me want to shake a baby, but that would only result in future mentally handicapped people.

Tricky Dick Explains:

Who talks to telemarketers anymore? I'm beginning to think that you sir are lost in the 80's. I haven't received a soliciting phone call in over a year because of those do-not-call registries. Get with the times you mule! I am more mad at you Johnny Depth than the telemarketers right now......you actually listen to the whole sales pitch? You don't just hang up? However, here are 5 excuses that will get them to stop calling immediately:

1. "Hello? Fuck off"

2. "No, he's dead"

3. "Hold on, i'm in the Emergency Room"

4. "I think i'm looking in your window"

5. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" (Primal Scream)

If that doesn't get you anywhere, then you're on your own. I'm really disappointed in you JD. I think i'm going to call you more often and offer to sell you shit out of my garage because you will more than likely buy it.......you gullible bastard.

Love, Tricky

Johnny Depth responds to Tricky's overly aggressive comments:
Tricky, I noticed your lack of imagination on the previous comment. Remember, if you can't find anything nice to say, then be mean in an indirect and sneaky fashion. I don't look like a mule and I find that comment very hurtful, but I digress. Here is a little known fact about the National Do Not Call Registry:

"Will All Telemarketing Calls Stop If I Register?

29. If I register my number on the National Do Not Call Registry, will it stop all telemarketing calls?No. Placing your number on the National Do Not Call Registry will stop most telemarketing calls, but not all. Because of limitations in the jurisdiction of the FTC and FCC, calls from or on behalf of political organizations, charities, and telephone surveyors would still be permitted, as would calls from companies with which you have an existing business relationship, or those to whom you’ve provided express agreement in writing to receive their calls. "- Q&A: The National Do Not Call Registry

So if you do business with American Express, they could call you and offer you reduced mortgage rates. Reduced? Compared to what? No, but seriously, how about the response: "Oh, hold on a second, I think that a man just stabbed the piolet with a box cutter... Oh! Shit! click."

But why limit ourselves to the boring past that is voice communications. Let us talk about the much more fascinating world of [SPAM]. Not only does no one read this pile of crap (found daily in one's inbox), but what a waste of time to delete all of those worthless messages for hair loss and sexual performance drugs. What was that? You have a [SPAM] filter. Good for you, but for the filter to do anything it must first receive the messages. So your inbox is much tidier than mine, but what a waste of resources and bandwidth to distribute all of that junk. If one was to determine the ratio of meaning full messages distributed to junk messages I bet the ration would be 2:98. It is my guess that there is a meaningful amount of energy consumed in the process of exchanging this junk.

Tricky Dick courts with danger:

Well, [SPAM] may not play such a lead role at this point, but that's just because I don't currently need an enlarged penis, penny stocks, or an almost free home mortgage. However, give it 5 years, and i'm probably going to need all three. [SPAM] backwards spells [MAPS], which could be trying to tell us something. So Johnny, what you need to do in your spare time, is go to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR JUNK EMAILS (Every one!!! You hear me?!) and read them backwards. There you will find the meaning of life.......

TOPIC: Baby Einsteins

Question: Can Baby Einsteins do math?

Answers:

Johnny Depth:
Answer: Well if they can't, then we should probably describe them as, oh I don't know, babies.

Really, what the question is asking is, can gifted infants do math? This topic is again based on another article on CBS NEWS: HEALTHWATCH. The story discusses whether or not babies 6 to 9 months have the ability to detect errors? While monitoring the baby’s brain activity and physical reaction to a puppet show scientists are able determine if these little geniuses have the beginnings of logic. The babies are shown two puppets, the curtain is pulled, a puppet is removed, the curtain is reopened, and bam--results! If the baby sees the puppet removed and if, when the curtain is reopened, there are still two puppets, the babies stare for eight instead of the seven seconds if only one puppet remains. Did it occur to them that it may take longer to look at two puppets than just one? They also claim that the brain activity, "...mirrored adult brain activity in processing errors." So were they backwards--left to right? Even though I fail to see where this research is going, I am not trying to discount the work of these people, really I am attacking the way CBS felt it necessary to report it. Baby Einsteins!? Nothing in the article hints that any of the children examined displayed any advanced mental capacities. If the title of the report had been: “Babies Able to Detect Logical Errors”. Then that would have been a more honest representation of the findings of the research, and just as compelling to the reader. Bottom line, journalists are liars; they just come clean sooner than most.

Link:Baby Einsteins: Can Tots Do Math?



Tricky Dick says:
First off let me say that I hate you CBS: which stands for Corporate Bullshit Senter (because they are idiots and can't spell either). Articles like this remind me of stories that swept the nation in years past such as "Will Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby be as hot as them. Give it a few years and we'll know for sure....."

Secondly, I would be willing to bet that Einstein drooled twice as much as the average baby. He clearly lived beneath power lines or in a wind tunnel so he probably had a bit more exposure to a few of the world's finer anomalies. And obviously you can't have a typical American accent to be a genius.......you have to have some sort of German/English accent. People just assume you're smart at that point. After you have that type of power, you can tell everyone ludacris things like Elvis = Madonna x Columbo ^2, which is actually quite phenomenal. I didn't actually realize that Elvis had the mind-numbing potential of one 1980's Pop-star turned Jew turned hooker turned Muslim mulitplied by the square of a sly 1980's lazy eyed trenchcoat toting detective. I'm starting to wonder whether he actually overdosed on drugs, or overdosed on his own awesomeness. Maybe CBS could write a story about that?

But that's neither here nor there. I will not say that I can pick out which babies have genius abilities. I DO however know which ones are completely retarded, or so damn fat that the blood is being cut off to their brains. If they make noises that resemble a cow being eaten by a chicken........run, because that is not normal. If they moan and drool while cross-eyed, I don't care how long they look at the damn puppets, they are going to be still watching those puppet shows when they're in their 40's. That is of course if they live that long. That's all for now.

I'm so glad I was able to stay on track with this one......

Johnny Depth:
You know, the babies' intelligence aside, who came up with the idea of puppets as entertainment. If the babies were really brilliant, they would turn to their mothers and say, “Is this some kind of joke? Should I be enjoying this? Mom, I don't know what your intentions are here but this is more creepy than fun." What researchers should be investigating is the effect of puppet shows on children with relation to their development into adults. I bet the kids that are fascinated with sock puppets as children grow up to have serious, "why are we all here" conversations with dogs. These are probably also the people at work that you can't believe were actually hired for any job other than toy tester. "What the f*ck was I worried about? Abby is borderline crazy, teetering on stupid, and they hired her. She likes playing with sock puppets during break for goodness sake!" Bottom line, if you love your kids--and you should, because if you don't who will?-- don't expose them to the creepy, miniature theater that is puppet shows. If they have the opportunity they will probably kill you for it. Another question! Who are these people that make their living producing and starring in puppet shows? I guarantee these people are not living fulfilling lives. Nobody grows up wanting to live every day with socks modified with faces and poor enunciation on their hands. That's just crazy.

Tricky Dick laments:

Lamb Chops for instance --- how much did that whore make? Let me side-track for a minute or two and state some of my newly discovered problems with Lamb Chop and Shari Lewis. First off, when we refer to Lamb Chop in 2nd person/farm-animal omniscient, we call it "a ewe", which pronounced says "A You"....but when I think of Shari having her hand firmly inserted up a lamb's ass for 40-some odd years, I would rather pronounce it as "An ewwww". Secondly, i'm a little confused about how creator Shari Lewis died --- on Wikipedia it says Uterine cancer, but CNN says pneumonia. They say she was a talented ventriliquist, but was she so good that she actually sent a false cause of death across the room onto her own patients chart after she died? I mean.......holy shit!!

Also, Shari Lewis is labeled as a "puppateer" which makes her sound like a superhero. However, I don't think a puppateer could put a pimple on the ass of the musketeer.......which falls way short on the heirarchy to the rocketeer.

Next, what the hell exactly is a musketeer? Dictionary.com states that a musketeer is a soldier armed with a musket. THEN WHY IN THE HOLY GOD DAMN HELL DO THE THREE MUSKETEERS CARRY FUCKING SWORDS?!?! I have fallen into a downward spiral of frustration and a whole new level of confusion pissed-offedness most people cannot even begin to fathom and now must leave to go punt a kitten.

Johnny Depth:

It is funny that Tricky Dick should mention punting a kitten. I just recently threw a dog over my back fence. He landed pretty hard too. I have to say it was fun, but I digress.

That Shari Lewis was one creepy lady—huh? Something about that show gave me the willies. Oh yeah, I remember, it reminded me of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. I don’t really recall anything in particular about either of the shows; they almost seem as if I dreamed them (nightmares). I suppose that there is a niche in daytime television for children entertainers, but I can’t understand why there is such a readily available supply of people with strange ideas about how to foster growth in young children. They are almost all boarder line creepy. The creators, I imagine, are the type of people that went to college, but didn’t want to do anything so they chose child development or elementary education as majors. Maybe I'm in the wrong here, but I just don’t think that coloring is legitimate homework for a 20 year old student. No wonder they communicate with five year-olds so easily.

What shows am I talking about? Lamb Chop, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, Captain Kangaroo, Barney, Teletubies… What are teletubies anyway? Why can’t they speak clearly and is the purple one gay? If children really find these shows entertaining it’s because they make them feel smart not because it encourages thought. What do children of these age groups really need? They need to interact with others and learn social skills. Dancing and singing with a character created and played by bizarre adults is silly when they could be learning from their parents’ experience.

I know its extreme, but for the well being of children everywhere, these shows should be discontinued and their creators, proponents, and actors should be either sold into Chinese prostitution or join a humanitarian aide group…Either way they would be helping people, which isn’t what they are doing now.

I think that I am going to go over to the college of education and kick the dean.

TOPIC: Bush vs. Hussien Live on Pay-Per-View

Question: Why don't we have a sponsored title fight between George and Saddam?

ANSWERS:

Tricky Dick says:
I think it would only make sense that we set up a sponsored title bout between George Bush and Saddam Hussein. These two obviously hate each other with a passion that not even Elton John and his husband's ass could compete with. I think we should have a boxing match, and we should have it at the largest stadium in the country, which would probably be a NASCAR stadium (i'm sorry, I just can't steer away from it.....no pun intended), and sell tickets at $50 a pop, and put it on pay-per-view world-wide at $100. Not only would this put a quick end to this little Iraq problem we've been having (not that i'm trying to make it sound like it's comparable to that zit on your back that you just can't quite get to.....) but it would be a financial bombshell!

Let's do some math....just for fun.....because we do math for fun so shut the f*ck up!

Let's say we hold this little deal at the Indianapolis Speedway (largest stadium in the world), with a capacity of 250,000 seats. Also, the U.S. population is 299,415,243........minus the 250,000 which are already in attendence leaves 299,165,243. Let's assume that half of these people watch it on pay-per-view, and assume an average of 5 viewers per rental. This puts us at 29,916,524 pay-per-view rentals. Also, let's go ahead and assume that 1/3 of the rest of the world population (6,233,760,610) also tunes in to watch. That leaves us with roughly 415,584,050 more pay-per-view rentals. Now let's tally up the total:

1) 250,000 x $50 = $12.5 million (Stadium ticket sales)

2) 29,916,524 x $100 = $299,165,240 (U.S. Pay-Per-View sales)

3) 415,584,050 x $100 = $4,155,840,500 (International Pay-Per-View sales)

4) and another $1 billion for assumed advertisements and replay residuals.

-------------------------------
Grand Total: $5,467,505,740


Now if we simply plop that into the Seattle real estate market for 10 years.... average return of 25% per year.......we have close to $43.5 billion. Shucks, we almost have enough to finance another big war. Or for me and JD to go purchase a small island country and retire.

Oh, and if by some slim chance, Saddam is winning, we will just pull Bush out of the fight and bring in his Grizzly Bear stunt-double look-alike. Deal?

Who's comin' with me?!

Johnny Depth:
It's the best use of a NASCAR raceway that I have ever heard proposed. Watching two world leaders go nine rounds in the boxing ring rather than watching 50 cars drive in a circle for one and a half to two hours. I wonder if those two are in the same weight class. I doubt it. I do like the grizzly bear substitution. My question is would they be dressed in standard boxing gear? I think that if they were both in formal suits and wearing really big, oversized boxing gloves that would make me laugh and keep the kids in school. This could be quite the spectacle, and since the USA likes to play Risk with the rest of the world, we will rest the future of Israel on the outcome of the fight. If Saddam beats the grizzly bear and W, we ship the Jewish people back to Europe. If the Bear mauls the shit out of Saddam, we send an apology to his family.

"Dear kin of the former Iraqi dictator,

The United States of America would like to extend its sincere apologies for matching a man against a grizzly bear. In hindsight, this was a poor judgment and a vast overestimation of your former leader's fighting abilities. Turns out he greatly over exaggerates his abilities. He cried like a seven year old Kurdish girl being sprayed with mustard gas--reminded us of Saddam’s attack on the Iraqi Kurds back in 1988. No, but in all sincerity, we are sorry, and we regret that your country is now in shambles. Just a reminder, if we don't like how your doing something, you'd better damn well fix it or we'll come in and really f*ck it up. Allah willing some of you may survive this bloody conflict.

May the prophet smile upon you,

Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State, United States of America

P.s. Please forward to the families of Ali Khamenei and Kim Jong-il."


In the event that W brings his ass whoopin' boots and wins legitimately, then the entire middle east must forfeit all modern weapons (including Israel), and agree that all future disagreements will be decided by essay contests.

Tricky Dick:
I just checked my mailbox this morning and had a response letter to Condi's letter. Not sure how the entire middle east got together and agreed on a letter, because we know a few heads would roll even to get an agreeable salutation......however, you're focussing on the wrong part of the story....

"Dear America you infidellic pig and scum,

We will not surrender our weapons. How do you expect us to keep our brutish women in-line? With sticks? Fu*k sticks, that didn't work 2000 years ago, and it won't work now. You have no brains and clearly know nothing about our culture and our way of doing business.

First off, we do not respect women ---- at all. And the first thing you do is send over a woman, and a black woman at that, to handle the middle east international affairs and expect us to take you seriously? You MORONS. There is an icecube's chance in hell to resolve any conflict over here as is, and you trying to send a woman to take care of this gives us a belly ache from chuckling in our foreign languages. Wake up and smell the goat steaks.

Finally, I think you need to focus a little more on China, North Korea, and Iran at this point than the countries which will inevitably wind up in a civil war situation. Seriously, it's going to get ugly over here. We cancelled all of our vacation plans for the next 50 years. We were going to take a nice trip to Indonesia, however we can't swim against 600 mph currents. We actually can't swim at all being that swimming lessons are hard to come by in the desert. We will however dominate your asses in beach volleyball.

But, back to my point: If Saddam dies at the paw of the bear, he will die bravely. Or at least we will tell ourselves that several times over to scratch out the reality that he and we are only human and need to get our shit straightened out.

Thank you for the chocolates,

You're friend,

The Middle East"

Johnny Depth:
US Standard Reply to Insolent Non-Compliant Nations:
“Hostile Nation:

This is your last warning. Either heed the advice of our representatives and meet our demands, or we will go Nuclear on you insolent asses. If you do not lay down your weapons and explore more peaceful means to settle disputes we will not hesitate to split atoms. You think the desert is hot, wait until we unleash the power of the strong and weak nuclear forces on you. If you would like more information, we suggest you contact the Japanese. We are the nation that caused the collapse of the USSR, and they had oil too. We don't care if you like the way our terms are delivered, under what circumstances you are violently lashing out at others in your region, or how difficult it is to control your women. Submit or we crush you. When we are through, you will be lucky to get library cards to read about our destruction. Thank you for your time.

Best of luck in the world cup,

USA

The above was an automated response to nations who have forgotten who carries the big stick.”

Tricky Dick:

"Dear Midder East:

We the Japanese would rike to take this time to exprain the situation to the midder east. After our thoughtress aggressions in the mid part of the century, we Japanese had to be put back in our prace. We suffered massive destruction from two separate bombings from those American Cowboys. We rearized that after the terrible ross of rives we needed to edit our economic strategy. We have found a new and happy prace in dis world simply making tiny, fuel efficient Japanese cars and have made an awkward home for ourserves in the world of comedy rearity shows (and unfortunatery we get rittle credit for our cororful gameshow sets and competitive charrenges which most pass off as ridicurous).

And another great thing is now that we are merery a limping pawn in the world-wide game of chess, Those We Don't Speak of (The Chinese.....we will speak of dem once and onry once) are now firing test missles into our backyard. It's actuarry quite pretty......kinda rike the 4th of July all year long.

So put down your weapons, forfeit your pride, and be very very funny.

Yours trury,

Japan"

TOPIC: Alcoholic Judgement

QUESTION: Is Alcohol a Truth Serum?

ANSWERS:

Johnny Depth says:
Ok, so while reading a CBS News: HEALTHWATCH article, "Is Alcohol a Truth Serum?” I became inspired to write. Based on Mel Gibson's recent remarks to a police officer, after being pulled over for drunk driving, a strange discussion has broken out. One comment in this article caught my attention:

"'You can't pour vodka on a turnip and have it say anti-Semitic remarks,' says Gary L. Malone, MD, an addiction psychiatrist and the medical director and chief of psychiatry at Baylor All Saints Medical Center in Fort Worth, Texas."

"'When anyone drinks there is a neurological and psychological regression, and the higher the blood alcohol level, the more primitive and hostile the response that comes out,' he says. Sorry Mel, 'Alcohol can't make you think or feel things,' according to Malone."

Maybe I agree with Malone, but then again I have never, under any circumstances, heard a turnip make an intelligible sound. Not that I spend a large amount of time with turnips, but I asked around and I'm not the only one. Conclusion, Dr. Malone may be exactly right, but his comment distracts from his point and makes me angry; I want to argue with him. Dr. Malone clearly states that, "'Alcohol can't make you think or feel things,'" but is it fair to expect the same behavior as when not intoxicated? Did Mel ever claim that the alcohol made him say things? You don’t have to really believe something to say it do you? Are all beliefs that I hold based on fact and responsively researched? No, sometimes I take positions to purely be oppositional. Beyond argument I don't act on these beliefs. Have you ever said something to provoke a reaction? Maybe I am right now!

A Boston family therapist also commented in the article:

"'People should be held accountable for what they say drunk as well as sober, and forgiveness should not be based on 'the alcohol made me do it' as Gibson is claiming,' adds Carleton Kendrick EdM, LCSW, a family therapist in Boston. 'I don't accept that because one does not explode in the tirade that he came forth with unprovoked without believing in the thoughts that he expressed,' he says. "

I bet that Mr. Kendrick has some thoughts that are not socially acceptable. He is able to filter out these feelings in normal everyday interactions, but maybe not while under the influence. I can agree, there are thoughts and beliefs that I suppress and don't talk freely about, and I am assuming that Mel and I aren't the only ones. Should I be defined by these thoughts or by my actions? I shouldn’t have to apologize for my thoughts. Should we label Mel Gibson as an Anti-Semitic because he made some remarks in a state of drunkenness”? Maybe Mel’s judgment was slightly inhibited; he was driving drunk.

The more I read the article, I realize I wasted my time writing about it. But I have put a bit of work into it, so I should at least post it and get a reaction from Tricky Dick. If he feels a response is warranted.

The article in question can be found at the following address: http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2006/08/03/health/webmd/main1864620.shtml

__________________________________________________________________

Tricky Dick says:
I must admit, there's a lot of things that I have been unsuccessful with regarding "pouring alcohol on things". I have tried pouring alcohol down my throat in order to gain "balls" as some would say. It's only worked half of the time. I poured it on my roommates face when he was being non-compliant, he then became over-compliant with fury (then again, he was from Nebraska so we have to throw out those results). I poured a lot of alcohol on a freaky lovers chest once.....except that time I broke it down into it's natural urine state.

You can't pour alcohol on a turnip and make it yell at anything. But like the Nebraskan example above, you can pour alcohol on a Nebraskan or a donkey and they will both become asses.

As you mentioned, maybe it wasn't the drinking that caused this to happen. Maybe it was the DRIVING. Afterall, you can't make a turnip drive a car and expect it to make sense after doing so. Or maybe it was that you can't turn a turnip into a car and expect it to get desireable gas mileage? Or was it.....you can't turn up the tuner with your two lips in a turnip turned car while turning by the tulips. Sorry, it's all a blur.....i've been driving and can't be expected to be responsible for what I write.

Johnny Depth:

In my experience driving drunk is like playing Russian Roulette. The drunker you are the more bullets there are in the cylinder; the farther that you have to go, the more your going to have to point the gun at your head and pull the trigger. You might get lucky and survive a game or two, but play enough and somebody’s going to die. Hopefully it’s you and not some poor bastard that just happened to be walking behind you when you pulled the trigger and accidentally shot him because you were drunk. What's worse than driving drunk? Riding with a drunken Nebraskan. That is like passing the revolver to him; he spins the cylinder, points the gun at your head, and pulls the trigger. It’s like your responsible for directing two monkeys to drive. Throw a monkey on the steering wheel and a monkey on the gas pedal; you have no control--very bad situation.

TOPIC: Fidel Castro

QUESTION: How has fidel Castro remained in power for so long?

ANSWERS:

Tricky Dick says:
This is a very good and baffling question. In fact, it's right up there with "How come the sky is blue", "How come the Cardinals are so shitty at football", and "How come women can't do math"........but if you're looking for an answer, good bad or indifferent, you've come to the right spot.

Have you ever had a cuban cigar? It really takes over your mind with thoughts of overwhelming motivation to do absolutely nothing......about anything. So basically I think that fidel stayed there because the country hasn't sunk yet. Minus that pesky cuban missle crisis, he probably is an alright guy. I mean, his name is Fidel, which is undoubtedly the opposite of Infidel, which by definition is someone who believes in nothing. So by the means of the Dewey Decimal System and osmosis, we can logically come to discover that Fidel must have believed in anything and EVERYTHING. He probably even believes in you.....so hang in there slugger.

__________________________________________________________________

Johnny Depth responds :

Fidel Castro... I would much rather approach the other questions presented in Tricky Dick's post.
How come the sky is blue?
It is an effect called Rayleigh scattering or you could argue that it's blue because Mr. T says so.
Why are the Cardinals so shitty at football?
The Cardinals are shitty at football, because football is a man's game; it's not for the birds.
How come women can't do math?
Women can't do math, because women don't rely on logic. They twist things until it approaches a solution they like. This approach works in relationships--not math.
men: 1man+1woman=2people
women: 1man+1woman=1couple

Back to the main question.

I think that Castro has remained in power, because the while the communism has not created prosperity, it has not been bad enough to inspire a large anti-communist movement inside Cuba. Unlike Russia, Cubans don't have deafly cold winters to survive. Maybe poverty in the Caribbean isn't so bad, because you’re in the Caribbean. Also, it is against the law to oppose the government, and freedom of speech is not a reality. The majority of people who dislike Castro got on a boat and moved to Miami.

TOPIC: Day 1 Test

Welcome to Polar Digression, what can we do to wreck your day?