TOPIC: Planters Mixed Nuts

Why do they really mix nuts?

Johnny Depth:

You know today I was running around the house doing odd little jobs--laundry, cleaning, what have you--and I was feeling a bit hungry. While pulling cloths out of the dryer, I thought to myself: "I deserve a break. I am getting shit done on a Sunday, and I deserve a break." So I took a break--which eventually led to me doing nothing for the rest of the afternoon. But while on my break, I grabbed some Planter's Mixed Nuts to stave off the nagging ache in my belly. While eating them, I found myself sorting through the can--literally searching for cashews and pecans (I think they are pecans). It later occured to me that mixed nuts is a ploy for the nut companies to get rid of all of the shitty nuts. Really! I don't enjoy peanuts or almonds that much. In fact I am about 88% sure that almonds were created by God to torchure man--almonds and women. Mixing nuts is like making people by an entire album of music or bundling movies. They are tricking you into thinking your getting more than you are.


Tricky Dick abides:

First of all, say "Tricky Dick abides" ten times fast.....then head butt the work associate in closest proximity to you........and then start knawing on your computer power cable (how many licks does it take to get to the tangy electrical part?). Man, that is really fun to say. I can't even comment yet because I am just sitting here white-man rapping "tricky dick abides......tricky trick....tricky dick trick......tricky dick abides!!". Hooray...

Ok, so mixed nuts....I really like almonds you racial nut profiling mongrel. I really like women too, until they begin talking, but I still like them. How come they don't sell women in bundles?

*NOTE: EXTREMELY SEXIST COMMENTS ARE ABOUT TO EXPLODE ONTO THE SCREEN.....I APOLOGIZE BUT NOT REALLY.

Seriously, if I could go buy, or better yet RENT a bundle of women....that would be ideal for me. One to sit in the captain's chair, one that could cook like a banshee, one who knows better than stick the little red mitten in with my white collared (now pink collared) shirts, and one who knows her way around a 6 cylinder Ford Ranger engine. I would probably buy...er...RENT two of them in case we blew one out. Maybe I could find one also that knows how to change out spares on women rentals. Please make this happen Johnny.

Johnny Depth:
Your proposal is a controversial one. Let me restate your request so you can clarify that I am on the right track here. You propose the exchange of women and their services for money. This is possible, but not economical--just ask Hugh Heffner. He has to sell magazines with photos of his bundled blondes just to keep the racket up. On a side note, that guy is one strange ranger--lucky but strange. It seems that we would have an ideal situation if we were presently in the Middle Ages--back when women were treated like dogs and men were dogs. However, this transport through time would not do much good. In the Middle Ages, to cook like a banshee was to cook like an mythical fairy woman--probably a bad thing-- laundry was something Kings did on the weekend, and a six cylinder Ford Ranger was a swordsman who carried around six cans and guarded river crossings. So, with that being said, we teleport back to the present and face the facts. Unless you could make it hip and trendy for a woman to cook, clean, and mechanic, then our only option is to throw money at the problem. Our best bet is to apply for a government grant, hire Paris Hilton to set the trends, and sit back and enjoy the fall out. What say you Tricky?