TOPIC: Bush vs. Hussien Live on Pay-Per-View

Question: Why don't we have a sponsored title fight between George and Saddam?

ANSWERS:

Tricky Dick says:
I think it would only make sense that we set up a sponsored title bout between George Bush and Saddam Hussein. These two obviously hate each other with a passion that not even Elton John and his husband's ass could compete with. I think we should have a boxing match, and we should have it at the largest stadium in the country, which would probably be a NASCAR stadium (i'm sorry, I just can't steer away from it.....no pun intended), and sell tickets at $50 a pop, and put it on pay-per-view world-wide at $100. Not only would this put a quick end to this little Iraq problem we've been having (not that i'm trying to make it sound like it's comparable to that zit on your back that you just can't quite get to.....) but it would be a financial bombshell!

Let's do some math....just for fun.....because we do math for fun so shut the f*ck up!

Let's say we hold this little deal at the Indianapolis Speedway (largest stadium in the world), with a capacity of 250,000 seats. Also, the U.S. population is 299,415,243........minus the 250,000 which are already in attendence leaves 299,165,243. Let's assume that half of these people watch it on pay-per-view, and assume an average of 5 viewers per rental. This puts us at 29,916,524 pay-per-view rentals. Also, let's go ahead and assume that 1/3 of the rest of the world population (6,233,760,610) also tunes in to watch. That leaves us with roughly 415,584,050 more pay-per-view rentals. Now let's tally up the total:

1) 250,000 x $50 = $12.5 million (Stadium ticket sales)

2) 29,916,524 x $100 = $299,165,240 (U.S. Pay-Per-View sales)

3) 415,584,050 x $100 = $4,155,840,500 (International Pay-Per-View sales)

4) and another $1 billion for assumed advertisements and replay residuals.

-------------------------------
Grand Total: $5,467,505,740


Now if we simply plop that into the Seattle real estate market for 10 years.... average return of 25% per year.......we have close to $43.5 billion. Shucks, we almost have enough to finance another big war. Or for me and JD to go purchase a small island country and retire.

Oh, and if by some slim chance, Saddam is winning, we will just pull Bush out of the fight and bring in his Grizzly Bear stunt-double look-alike. Deal?

Who's comin' with me?!

Johnny Depth:
It's the best use of a NASCAR raceway that I have ever heard proposed. Watching two world leaders go nine rounds in the boxing ring rather than watching 50 cars drive in a circle for one and a half to two hours. I wonder if those two are in the same weight class. I doubt it. I do like the grizzly bear substitution. My question is would they be dressed in standard boxing gear? I think that if they were both in formal suits and wearing really big, oversized boxing gloves that would make me laugh and keep the kids in school. This could be quite the spectacle, and since the USA likes to play Risk with the rest of the world, we will rest the future of Israel on the outcome of the fight. If Saddam beats the grizzly bear and W, we ship the Jewish people back to Europe. If the Bear mauls the shit out of Saddam, we send an apology to his family.

"Dear kin of the former Iraqi dictator,

The United States of America would like to extend its sincere apologies for matching a man against a grizzly bear. In hindsight, this was a poor judgment and a vast overestimation of your former leader's fighting abilities. Turns out he greatly over exaggerates his abilities. He cried like a seven year old Kurdish girl being sprayed with mustard gas--reminded us of Saddam’s attack on the Iraqi Kurds back in 1988. No, but in all sincerity, we are sorry, and we regret that your country is now in shambles. Just a reminder, if we don't like how your doing something, you'd better damn well fix it or we'll come in and really f*ck it up. Allah willing some of you may survive this bloody conflict.

May the prophet smile upon you,

Condoleezza Rice
Secretary of State, United States of America

P.s. Please forward to the families of Ali Khamenei and Kim Jong-il."


In the event that W brings his ass whoopin' boots and wins legitimately, then the entire middle east must forfeit all modern weapons (including Israel), and agree that all future disagreements will be decided by essay contests.

Tricky Dick:
I just checked my mailbox this morning and had a response letter to Condi's letter. Not sure how the entire middle east got together and agreed on a letter, because we know a few heads would roll even to get an agreeable salutation......however, you're focussing on the wrong part of the story....

"Dear America you infidellic pig and scum,

We will not surrender our weapons. How do you expect us to keep our brutish women in-line? With sticks? Fu*k sticks, that didn't work 2000 years ago, and it won't work now. You have no brains and clearly know nothing about our culture and our way of doing business.

First off, we do not respect women ---- at all. And the first thing you do is send over a woman, and a black woman at that, to handle the middle east international affairs and expect us to take you seriously? You MORONS. There is an icecube's chance in hell to resolve any conflict over here as is, and you trying to send a woman to take care of this gives us a belly ache from chuckling in our foreign languages. Wake up and smell the goat steaks.

Finally, I think you need to focus a little more on China, North Korea, and Iran at this point than the countries which will inevitably wind up in a civil war situation. Seriously, it's going to get ugly over here. We cancelled all of our vacation plans for the next 50 years. We were going to take a nice trip to Indonesia, however we can't swim against 600 mph currents. We actually can't swim at all being that swimming lessons are hard to come by in the desert. We will however dominate your asses in beach volleyball.

But, back to my point: If Saddam dies at the paw of the bear, he will die bravely. Or at least we will tell ourselves that several times over to scratch out the reality that he and we are only human and need to get our shit straightened out.

Thank you for the chocolates,

You're friend,

The Middle East"

Johnny Depth:
US Standard Reply to Insolent Non-Compliant Nations:
“Hostile Nation:

This is your last warning. Either heed the advice of our representatives and meet our demands, or we will go Nuclear on you insolent asses. If you do not lay down your weapons and explore more peaceful means to settle disputes we will not hesitate to split atoms. You think the desert is hot, wait until we unleash the power of the strong and weak nuclear forces on you. If you would like more information, we suggest you contact the Japanese. We are the nation that caused the collapse of the USSR, and they had oil too. We don't care if you like the way our terms are delivered, under what circumstances you are violently lashing out at others in your region, or how difficult it is to control your women. Submit or we crush you. When we are through, you will be lucky to get library cards to read about our destruction. Thank you for your time.

Best of luck in the world cup,

USA

The above was an automated response to nations who have forgotten who carries the big stick.”

Tricky Dick:

"Dear Midder East:

We the Japanese would rike to take this time to exprain the situation to the midder east. After our thoughtress aggressions in the mid part of the century, we Japanese had to be put back in our prace. We suffered massive destruction from two separate bombings from those American Cowboys. We rearized that after the terrible ross of rives we needed to edit our economic strategy. We have found a new and happy prace in dis world simply making tiny, fuel efficient Japanese cars and have made an awkward home for ourserves in the world of comedy rearity shows (and unfortunatery we get rittle credit for our cororful gameshow sets and competitive charrenges which most pass off as ridicurous).

And another great thing is now that we are merery a limping pawn in the world-wide game of chess, Those We Don't Speak of (The Chinese.....we will speak of dem once and onry once) are now firing test missles into our backyard. It's actuarry quite pretty......kinda rike the 4th of July all year long.

So put down your weapons, forfeit your pride, and be very very funny.

Yours trury,

Japan"