TOPIC: Telemarketing

Question: Does anyone buy products offered by telemarketers?

ANSWERS:

Johnny Depth Remarks:

I hate those calls from telemarketers. I really don't like to talk on the phone in the first place, and when someone calls when I am busy enjoying my day or working, I really don't want to listen. They go through this sales pitch that I don't want to hear. If I need something then I will go and get it. I want to know who the idiots are out there that are buying from these solicitors. Who is fucking it up for the rest of us? There has to be somebody out there buying or the solicitors would have gone out of business long ago. You must be mental if you buy a product over the phone that you haven't even seen. Not only do you most likely not need the product, but you are trusting that a total stranger is really pushing something legitimate and not some scam. This makes me want to shake a baby, but that would only result in future mentally handicapped people.

Tricky Dick Explains:

Who talks to telemarketers anymore? I'm beginning to think that you sir are lost in the 80's. I haven't received a soliciting phone call in over a year because of those do-not-call registries. Get with the times you mule! I am more mad at you Johnny Depth than the telemarketers right now......you actually listen to the whole sales pitch? You don't just hang up? However, here are 5 excuses that will get them to stop calling immediately:

1. "Hello? Fuck off"

2. "No, he's dead"

3. "Hold on, i'm in the Emergency Room"

4. "I think i'm looking in your window"

5. "AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" (Primal Scream)

If that doesn't get you anywhere, then you're on your own. I'm really disappointed in you JD. I think i'm going to call you more often and offer to sell you shit out of my garage because you will more than likely buy it.......you gullible bastard.

Love, Tricky

Johnny Depth responds to Tricky's overly aggressive comments:
Tricky, I noticed your lack of imagination on the previous comment. Remember, if you can't find anything nice to say, then be mean in an indirect and sneaky fashion. I don't look like a mule and I find that comment very hurtful, but I digress. Here is a little known fact about the National Do Not Call Registry:

"Will All Telemarketing Calls Stop If I Register?

29. If I register my number on the National Do Not Call Registry, will it stop all telemarketing calls?No. Placing your number on the National Do Not Call Registry will stop most telemarketing calls, but not all. Because of limitations in the jurisdiction of the FTC and FCC, calls from or on behalf of political organizations, charities, and telephone surveyors would still be permitted, as would calls from companies with which you have an existing business relationship, or those to whom you’ve provided express agreement in writing to receive their calls. "- Q&A: The National Do Not Call Registry

So if you do business with American Express, they could call you and offer you reduced mortgage rates. Reduced? Compared to what? No, but seriously, how about the response: "Oh, hold on a second, I think that a man just stabbed the piolet with a box cutter... Oh! Shit! click."

But why limit ourselves to the boring past that is voice communications. Let us talk about the much more fascinating world of [SPAM]. Not only does no one read this pile of crap (found daily in one's inbox), but what a waste of time to delete all of those worthless messages for hair loss and sexual performance drugs. What was that? You have a [SPAM] filter. Good for you, but for the filter to do anything it must first receive the messages. So your inbox is much tidier than mine, but what a waste of resources and bandwidth to distribute all of that junk. If one was to determine the ratio of meaning full messages distributed to junk messages I bet the ration would be 2:98. It is my guess that there is a meaningful amount of energy consumed in the process of exchanging this junk.

Tricky Dick courts with danger:

Well, [SPAM] may not play such a lead role at this point, but that's just because I don't currently need an enlarged penis, penny stocks, or an almost free home mortgage. However, give it 5 years, and i'm probably going to need all three. [SPAM] backwards spells [MAPS], which could be trying to tell us something. So Johnny, what you need to do in your spare time, is go to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR JUNK EMAILS (Every one!!! You hear me?!) and read them backwards. There you will find the meaning of life.......