TOPIC: Baby Einsteins

Question: Can Baby Einsteins do math?

Answers:

Johnny Depth:
Answer: Well if they can't, then we should probably describe them as, oh I don't know, babies.

Really, what the question is asking is, can gifted infants do math? This topic is again based on another article on CBS NEWS: HEALTHWATCH. The story discusses whether or not babies 6 to 9 months have the ability to detect errors? While monitoring the baby’s brain activity and physical reaction to a puppet show scientists are able determine if these little geniuses have the beginnings of logic. The babies are shown two puppets, the curtain is pulled, a puppet is removed, the curtain is reopened, and bam--results! If the baby sees the puppet removed and if, when the curtain is reopened, there are still two puppets, the babies stare for eight instead of the seven seconds if only one puppet remains. Did it occur to them that it may take longer to look at two puppets than just one? They also claim that the brain activity, "...mirrored adult brain activity in processing errors." So were they backwards--left to right? Even though I fail to see where this research is going, I am not trying to discount the work of these people, really I am attacking the way CBS felt it necessary to report it. Baby Einsteins!? Nothing in the article hints that any of the children examined displayed any advanced mental capacities. If the title of the report had been: “Babies Able to Detect Logical Errors”. Then that would have been a more honest representation of the findings of the research, and just as compelling to the reader. Bottom line, journalists are liars; they just come clean sooner than most.

Link:Baby Einsteins: Can Tots Do Math?



Tricky Dick says:
First off let me say that I hate you CBS: which stands for Corporate Bullshit Senter (because they are idiots and can't spell either). Articles like this remind me of stories that swept the nation in years past such as "Will Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt's baby be as hot as them. Give it a few years and we'll know for sure....."

Secondly, I would be willing to bet that Einstein drooled twice as much as the average baby. He clearly lived beneath power lines or in a wind tunnel so he probably had a bit more exposure to a few of the world's finer anomalies. And obviously you can't have a typical American accent to be a genius.......you have to have some sort of German/English accent. People just assume you're smart at that point. After you have that type of power, you can tell everyone ludacris things like Elvis = Madonna x Columbo ^2, which is actually quite phenomenal. I didn't actually realize that Elvis had the mind-numbing potential of one 1980's Pop-star turned Jew turned hooker turned Muslim mulitplied by the square of a sly 1980's lazy eyed trenchcoat toting detective. I'm starting to wonder whether he actually overdosed on drugs, or overdosed on his own awesomeness. Maybe CBS could write a story about that?

But that's neither here nor there. I will not say that I can pick out which babies have genius abilities. I DO however know which ones are completely retarded, or so damn fat that the blood is being cut off to their brains. If they make noises that resemble a cow being eaten by a chicken........run, because that is not normal. If they moan and drool while cross-eyed, I don't care how long they look at the damn puppets, they are going to be still watching those puppet shows when they're in their 40's. That is of course if they live that long. That's all for now.

I'm so glad I was able to stay on track with this one......

Johnny Depth:
You know, the babies' intelligence aside, who came up with the idea of puppets as entertainment. If the babies were really brilliant, they would turn to their mothers and say, “Is this some kind of joke? Should I be enjoying this? Mom, I don't know what your intentions are here but this is more creepy than fun." What researchers should be investigating is the effect of puppet shows on children with relation to their development into adults. I bet the kids that are fascinated with sock puppets as children grow up to have serious, "why are we all here" conversations with dogs. These are probably also the people at work that you can't believe were actually hired for any job other than toy tester. "What the f*ck was I worried about? Abby is borderline crazy, teetering on stupid, and they hired her. She likes playing with sock puppets during break for goodness sake!" Bottom line, if you love your kids--and you should, because if you don't who will?-- don't expose them to the creepy, miniature theater that is puppet shows. If they have the opportunity they will probably kill you for it. Another question! Who are these people that make their living producing and starring in puppet shows? I guarantee these people are not living fulfilling lives. Nobody grows up wanting to live every day with socks modified with faces and poor enunciation on their hands. That's just crazy.

Tricky Dick laments:

Lamb Chops for instance --- how much did that whore make? Let me side-track for a minute or two and state some of my newly discovered problems with Lamb Chop and Shari Lewis. First off, when we refer to Lamb Chop in 2nd person/farm-animal omniscient, we call it "a ewe", which pronounced says "A You"....but when I think of Shari having her hand firmly inserted up a lamb's ass for 40-some odd years, I would rather pronounce it as "An ewwww". Secondly, i'm a little confused about how creator Shari Lewis died --- on Wikipedia it says Uterine cancer, but CNN says pneumonia. They say she was a talented ventriliquist, but was she so good that she actually sent a false cause of death across the room onto her own patients chart after she died? I mean.......holy shit!!

Also, Shari Lewis is labeled as a "puppateer" which makes her sound like a superhero. However, I don't think a puppateer could put a pimple on the ass of the musketeer.......which falls way short on the heirarchy to the rocketeer.

Next, what the hell exactly is a musketeer? Dictionary.com states that a musketeer is a soldier armed with a musket. THEN WHY IN THE HOLY GOD DAMN HELL DO THE THREE MUSKETEERS CARRY FUCKING SWORDS?!?! I have fallen into a downward spiral of frustration and a whole new level of confusion pissed-offedness most people cannot even begin to fathom and now must leave to go punt a kitten.

Johnny Depth:

It is funny that Tricky Dick should mention punting a kitten. I just recently threw a dog over my back fence. He landed pretty hard too. I have to say it was fun, but I digress.

That Shari Lewis was one creepy lady—huh? Something about that show gave me the willies. Oh yeah, I remember, it reminded me of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. I don’t really recall anything in particular about either of the shows; they almost seem as if I dreamed them (nightmares). I suppose that there is a niche in daytime television for children entertainers, but I can’t understand why there is such a readily available supply of people with strange ideas about how to foster growth in young children. They are almost all boarder line creepy. The creators, I imagine, are the type of people that went to college, but didn’t want to do anything so they chose child development or elementary education as majors. Maybe I'm in the wrong here, but I just don’t think that coloring is legitimate homework for a 20 year old student. No wonder they communicate with five year-olds so easily.

What shows am I talking about? Lamb Chop, Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood, Captain Kangaroo, Barney, Teletubies… What are teletubies anyway? Why can’t they speak clearly and is the purple one gay? If children really find these shows entertaining it’s because they make them feel smart not because it encourages thought. What do children of these age groups really need? They need to interact with others and learn social skills. Dancing and singing with a character created and played by bizarre adults is silly when they could be learning from their parents’ experience.

I know its extreme, but for the well being of children everywhere, these shows should be discontinued and their creators, proponents, and actors should be either sold into Chinese prostitution or join a humanitarian aide group…Either way they would be helping people, which isn’t what they are doing now.

I think that I am going to go over to the college of education and kick the dean.