TOPIC: Cruel Irony

Question: What if doing the right thing killed baby seals?

Johnny Depth questions:
What if the yellow bracelets supporting cancer research were made of a plastic that causes cancer?

What if hair loss prescriptions cause teeth to fall out instead?

What if large scale solar arrays cause the earth to cool--shortening growing seasons and causing a global food shortage?

What if curing aids causes a population boom and the consumption of natural resources in developing nations grows exponentially causing prices to rise at a similar rate and the global economy to collapse? Riots, chaos, and anarchy ensue. Meanwhile in a seemingly unrelated event, Oprah recommends a non-fiction book that later is exposed as fiction--resulting in her to re-evaluate her past recommendations and overturn her opinion on consuming beef. In the absence of Government protections of individual rights and private property, cattle and not TV's are the focus of looting; in an attempt to regain what they feel they are entitled to, ranchers form militias and the world is balkanized and reformed into political regions by cattle baron war-lords.

Be careful of what you wish for...


Tricky Dick does he trick?

I would like to begin this post with nothing else but a huge *sigh* and one of these *head shake*, and then of course the obligatory *roll eyes at Johnny* and then finally *attempt to gouge out eyes with my own nose.....and it's impossible*. You make me very angry, because I have no choice but to try to throw some sort of organization into this post of yours........here we go....

First off, you and I and everyone else who contains eyes, ears, a mouth and retains the ability to think knows that EVERYTHING causes cancer. Therefore this whole "spend a dollar on looking for a cure" shinnanigan is just a ploy for a bottomless resource of funds. Because think about how much more money will be donated to searching for "a cure" when the entire world has cancer and is throwing money at lab monkeys. It's probably backed by Microsoft.

Next -- meth causes both hair and teeth to fall out. Are you saying that meth is only 1 branch of the family tree away from your new hair loss prescription? This is obviously bad, however I would probably open up a new chain of food stores that sold ONLY mushed and blended foods. Basically identical to baby food, but we wouldn't call it baby food because we are egotisitical assholes, and if it says "baby" on the label it's clearly not for "awesome super neat people" like me. Therefore my new food would be called "awesome super neat people foods" and would sell like hotcakes.........mushed and blended hotcakes of course......with syrup and butter blended in also...

Next -- if this solar ray phenomena occured, a few major events would happen in this order: 1. The gas prices would skyrocket.....simply because those money-grubbing oil tycoons would find some reason to tie all of this back to a subtle reason to take more of my money 2. Al Gore would implode 3. Alan Greenspan would tell the world that interest rates are going to jump a "stategotomic" amount (because he's 18 breaths away from a straight jacket) even though it's not even his fucking job anymore (and since he is losing his mind, he would probably raise his non-existent rates by a silly number like 218%, what an asshole. To get a bank loan you would have to exchange an arm and your penis. That way if you couldn't pay your loan, the bank can take your family tree from you) 4. You would have 2 options if you were going to keep up with modern-day trendiness.....and that would to either a) become dangerously anorexic, or b) become a cannibal.......and the "check out all my bones" look isn't good for me....so. And finally 5. The number "5" would no longer exist.....so really 5 things would happen but you wouldn't even know it or be able to comprehend the fact that 5 things happened. Whoa! That's deep.

What could really throw a wrench into the sytem is if the solar rays caused premature hairloss, in which everyone started taking your meth hair recovery medicine, in which everyone in the world's teeth would fall out, and considering that not too many people would pick not eating over eating, we would have a world full of bald, toothless, cannibals just gumming on each other. My store would thrive though because I would figure out some way to grind people up into "awesome super neat people human funtastic yogurt". Of course I would have to steal some cows to make the yogurt part of the mix....probably from my own father because he trusted me before I did it.......I don't know what I would do with the money, probably join Bill Gates' fight against cancer.....

I think i'll stop right there. If Opera's teeth fell out she wouldn't be near as popular.....or understandable I guess? She wouldn't lose her hair because you can't "lose" your wig, unless you misplace it while you're gumming on someone. But if cow snatching became an issue, Opera would no doubt be mistakenly stolen for obvious reasons.....maybe it wasn't a mistake?

I gotta go. I think this is my stop.