TOPIC: Herpes

QUESTION: Would herpes be less scary if it had a better name?

ANSWERS:

Tricky Dicky:

It has recently dawned on me that the only thing that is THAT terrible about herpes is its name. So i've come up with ten names that would better suit this horrible sounding virus (which by the way is incurable......that's right, for life.....). Seriously, the name "herpes" sounds to me like "the pecker flesh eating virus". So lets try these on for size....

10 BETTER NAMES FOR HERPES:

1. Happies
2. Gumdrop Fever
3. The 365 and 1/4 day a year gift
4. The Bunny Yawns (cute huh?)
5. Lovers quarrel (stern yet meaningful)
6. The helping hand (can I give YOU a hand?)
7. Raspberry Sparkles
8. Love's Intercourse Remorse
9. California Dreams
10. Peek-a-boo

I feel strongly that these names would make people with Gumdrop Fever feel much more accepted and would help people be less embarrassed and coerse them to tell the people that they've slept with about the danger that they may be in. But really, who doesn't want some Bunny Yawns in their life? I know I could sure go for some. Of course, statistically speaking, 1 in 4 women has it, 1 in 5 men have it, and 90% of all people who have it don't even know it. So if you get a little Peek-a-boo every now and again, go see your friendly physician and he can give you a helping hand.....I mean he can help you out....

Johnny Depth:

Changing the name of herpes could make alienated people feel better, but let’s not go encouraging people to go out and get it… What?! You’ve got strawberry sparkles. Where did you get it? Can you give me some? Please! I just want to be like everybody else! Suppose we changed the name of tobacco to herpes? Damn! Herpes causes cancer now. If it wasn’t bad before, now it’s a carcinogen. On the side of the cartons it would say "contains herpes." I don’t think I am going to be smoking anymore.

What about changing the name of Little Debbie’s to Chunky Debbie, fast-food to fat-food, or Survivor to C-Span (I hate survivor!)? …Don’t worry I already know—its genius. What would happen if we changed Heaven to Hell, or War to Burt Bacharach, or North Korea to Strawberry Short Cake Land? Don’t tell me I can’t say these things, cause… ahh, I fucking already did.

TOPIC: Steve Irwin

QUESTION: What more cruelly ironic ways could Steve Irwin have died?

ANSWERS:

Tricky Dick kicks down the door:

I am very disappointed in God's humor and wrath this week after he strategically knocked off one of the world's finest. You win old man. I've read all about this and how the odds of this happening are like 1 in 0, so I got to thinking up ways that could have been even MORE cruelly ironic for The Great Crocodile Hunter to have perished. Here we go......i'm going to play God for a minute.....s....

MORE IRONIC WAYS FOR THE CROC HUNTER TO DIE

1. To have an alligator lunge at him and accidentally lunge into his mouth, thus Steve Irwin actually dying from ingesting an entire 400 lb alligator.

2. While handling 3 black mambas at once, Steve does his famous "Jump rope with a deadly snake" routine, which he had practiced many times alone off camera. The on-lookers are so shocked that their collective astonished gasps deplete the immediate oxygen supply in the atmosphere which inevitably causes Steve to pass out and have his defenseless body bitten to death by a snake jump rope.

3. While walking on water, he stubbs his toe on a wave, trips and drowns.

4. While driving down a dirt road in the outback his pet anaconda gets out of its gunny sack and attacks Steve while he is driving. Steve, who remains the utmost calm, dodges the snakes strike, which sends the snake zipping past just below his chin. It wraps around the seat and holds him tightly to the seat and actually instead of killing him, takes on the duty of a makeshift seatbelt. Steve laughs about the situation thanking the man upstairs for using nature to buckle him up, however while looking up and praising the lord, Steve accidentally rolls the jeep and the drivers side is crushed. Steve would have survived if he could have gotten his seatbelt unbuckled in time.

5. Steve accidentally gets too far into the cave where hungry bears reside. A bear attacks him and he drops his light. He gets free of the bear, and starts running down the long and dark cave. He cannot see, so he can only rely on his bat-like sense of accurate hearing to listen to the echos of his footsteps and use this means of human sonar to find his way out. Unfortunately while sprinting through the cave, his feet jumped up and bit his ears off. The bear hugged him to death shortly after.

Johnny Depth:

The death of Steve Irwin also known as the Crocodile Hunter is truly saddening. He will be remembered as a man that devoted his life to wildlife preservation and the education of the public. He was a great entertainer with a unique and eccentric flair. He will be missed by millions.

That being said I am going to continue Tricky's list with a bit of a different spin... We will call them humorously unlikely.

6. While man handling an eight hundred pound gator, Steve scrapes his knee, ignores the infection that shortly ensues, and dies a painful death attributed to blood poisoning.

7. While gracefully dodging the strike of an African Cobra, Steve pirouettes into a sharp low hanging tree branch. The branch impales Steve’s brain via the eye. He slowly removes the foreign object, but with a sudden fall in blood pressure passes out on the gentle cobra. He dies from his wounds minutes later.

8. While swimming in a Sydney hotel pool, Steve encounters a small frog. In his excitement he grabs the friendly creature but forgets to swim or breathe. Four minutes later Steve’s body re-emerges--cold, lifeless, and smiling; the frog is fine.

9. While in the upper Amazon River Basin, Steve is brought down by a local boy’s poison dart--intended for the tree sloth Steve was stalking. He may have survived the 65 foot fall to the forest floor but coupled the poison stopped the stars heart minutes later. The beloved and outspoken Australian native will be missed.

10. While swimming in southern Florida with endangered manatees, Steve was struck by the propeller of his film crew’s boat; the manatees--previously thought to be gentle creatures--proceeded to dismember the injured Irwin. The ghastly events, caught on tape, were played at the TV stars memorial.

11. Choked on a Danish pastry on vacation in Disney world (Epcot).

12. Died in a tragic slap fight with Jay Leno. Jay's chin will be removed and his heart ripped out by green peace later this month.

13. In an unexpected tragedy, Steve Irwin died early this morning in his bed shortly after it was reported Ben Affleck was cast as Super Man instead of him. I'm still shocked.