TOPIC: Pluto versus Goofy

Why does Disney has a double standard?

Johnney Depth:
So correct me if I'm wrong, but both Pluto and Goofy are dogs. Then why the hell is Pluto held the limitations of a traditional dog and Goofy has evolved into a two legged creature with an advanced handle on language, and dress code.

Another question: why doesn't Donald wear pants? He wears a shirt and sometimes a hat. And don't give me that shit he's a duck. If he's a duck then why does he wear a towel when he gets out of the shower?

Another question: how does Disney get away with holding anniversaries every year all year. I thought that saying that every day is special is like saying none of them are.

Another question: Which had the bigger impact on modern life? Roller skates or LSD?

Ok, I'm done. I digressed too far as it is...

TOPIC: The First

Question: If you saw something never seen before how would you react?

Johnney Depth:

Tricky what do you think the parents of the first child with tourette's syndrome thought? I bet they beat the shit out of that kid. I bet that kid nearly died of soap posioning. I bet he spent the majority of his life in confinement, behind bars, or recovering from the beating he took the day before. I read that a symptom or common tic experienced by people with tourette's is self inflicting pain such as eye poking. I don't imagine thats good. I've got to say involentary cursing sounds fucking made up.

TOPIC:Stereotypical Truths

Question: Why do we refer to the natural world as mother nature and the progression of moments father time?

Johnney Depth:

Well I happen to think that the reason is obvious, but let's break it down into irrefutable truths.
Mother nature is unpredictable; it is so complex the most intricate computer models can only estimate what will happen next. Women are unpredictable. Women tell you one thing and do another. They will bad mouth a person, and then later want to date them.

Mother nature is inconsistent. The conditions can change century to century, year to year, day to day, and moment to moment. Women want the couch by the window, no next to the corner table, no blocking the door, no in front of the fire place, no behind the coffee table, no next to the recliner, nope I was right the first time by the window; wait I want a new couch. Women want attention, I mean to be left alone. They will push you away when they want to get close. They will waste an entire day because they're not sure if egg shell or off white would look better with their navy blue dress.

Mother nature has warming and cooling trends and menopausal women get hot flashes. I don't even know what they are but it sounds like the same thing.

Mother nature will lull you to sleep and then hit you with furious disaster, kill the innocent, displace the poor, and amplify problems. Do I even need to continue.

Time is steady, un-faltering, consistent, and so predictable anybody with a cesium atom and the means to test the half-life can track the progression. A man is these things, well maybe not exactly, but a hell of a lot more so than a woman.

Anything to add Tricky?

TOPIC: Band Names

Tricky says:

I know i've run this by you Johnny.....but I thought we could discuss this publicly...


I am trying to come up with a good untouched band name. Tell me what you think...

1. Tricky Dick and the Barstool Bandits
2. El Duff and the Portuguese Pumpkin Tumblers
3. Dewey Decimal and his System
4. Tango and Cash Cash Money Holler at yer Bitches
5. Captain Kyle and the Plunder Ass Battalion
6. Our Talent is Questionable but Please Buy Our Shit (aka....OTQPBS)
7. Go Go Gadget Pimp Hand
8. The Date-Rape Engagers
9. The Egregious Gumdrop Monsters
10. Professor Dipshit and the Donkey Punch Dispatch Center
11. Boris don't touch my Yeltsin
12. The Smog Boxers
13. The Turbo Tax Write-Offs
14. Dusty Bucket and the Bullshit Posse
15. The Hoo-Ha Rescue Crew
16. Twinkle Twinkle Rock and Roll
17. The Alzheimers Designers
18. Pooma T-Rex and the Shiggy D Destroyers
19. Flop Popkins and the Double HN
20. Kreepy Krawly and the Jittery Filtersnatchers

Johnny Depth responds:

1. Sounds like a quick way to a urine infection. Clever... but gross.
2. And of course, El Duff is Portuguese for The Duff
3. You might have a die hard librarian following but sounds dated.
4. Are you drunk?
5. I think it would be better if it was "Captain Kyle and the ASS Plunder Battalion..." Nope! Still sucks
6. So your the Ashley Simpson of your genre?
7. Pimp Hand... Actually just Pimp Hand isn't bad
8. I hate to say it but I think its already been done.
9.What? Monster and gumdrop are the only words I understand and I don't want to look the other one up.
10.Untouched and has a ring to it.
11.Clever. Humorous. Yeltsin.
12. I'm out of time. I'm going to have to come back later...

TOPIC: Cruel Irony

Question: What if doing the right thing killed baby seals?

Johnny Depth questions:
What if the yellow bracelets supporting cancer research were made of a plastic that causes cancer?

What if hair loss prescriptions cause teeth to fall out instead?

What if large scale solar arrays cause the earth to cool--shortening growing seasons and causing a global food shortage?

What if curing aids causes a population boom and the consumption of natural resources in developing nations grows exponentially causing prices to rise at a similar rate and the global economy to collapse? Riots, chaos, and anarchy ensue. Meanwhile in a seemingly unrelated event, Oprah recommends a non-fiction book that later is exposed as fiction--resulting in her to re-evaluate her past recommendations and overturn her opinion on consuming beef. In the absence of Government protections of individual rights and private property, cattle and not TV's are the focus of looting; in an attempt to regain what they feel they are entitled to, ranchers form militias and the world is balkanized and reformed into political regions by cattle baron war-lords.

Be careful of what you wish for...


Tricky Dick does he trick?

I would like to begin this post with nothing else but a huge *sigh* and one of these *head shake*, and then of course the obligatory *roll eyes at Johnny* and then finally *attempt to gouge out eyes with my own nose.....and it's impossible*. You make me very angry, because I have no choice but to try to throw some sort of organization into this post of yours........here we go....

First off, you and I and everyone else who contains eyes, ears, a mouth and retains the ability to think knows that EVERYTHING causes cancer. Therefore this whole "spend a dollar on looking for a cure" shinnanigan is just a ploy for a bottomless resource of funds. Because think about how much more money will be donated to searching for "a cure" when the entire world has cancer and is throwing money at lab monkeys. It's probably backed by Microsoft.

Next -- meth causes both hair and teeth to fall out. Are you saying that meth is only 1 branch of the family tree away from your new hair loss prescription? This is obviously bad, however I would probably open up a new chain of food stores that sold ONLY mushed and blended foods. Basically identical to baby food, but we wouldn't call it baby food because we are egotisitical assholes, and if it says "baby" on the label it's clearly not for "awesome super neat people" like me. Therefore my new food would be called "awesome super neat people foods" and would sell like hotcakes.........mushed and blended hotcakes of course......with syrup and butter blended in also...

Next -- if this solar ray phenomena occured, a few major events would happen in this order: 1. The gas prices would skyrocket.....simply because those money-grubbing oil tycoons would find some reason to tie all of this back to a subtle reason to take more of my money 2. Al Gore would implode 3. Alan Greenspan would tell the world that interest rates are going to jump a "stategotomic" amount (because he's 18 breaths away from a straight jacket) even though it's not even his fucking job anymore (and since he is losing his mind, he would probably raise his non-existent rates by a silly number like 218%, what an asshole. To get a bank loan you would have to exchange an arm and your penis. That way if you couldn't pay your loan, the bank can take your family tree from you) 4. You would have 2 options if you were going to keep up with modern-day trendiness.....and that would to either a) become dangerously anorexic, or b) become a cannibal.......and the "check out all my bones" look isn't good for me....so. And finally 5. The number "5" would no longer exist.....so really 5 things would happen but you wouldn't even know it or be able to comprehend the fact that 5 things happened. Whoa! That's deep.

What could really throw a wrench into the sytem is if the solar rays caused premature hairloss, in which everyone started taking your meth hair recovery medicine, in which everyone in the world's teeth would fall out, and considering that not too many people would pick not eating over eating, we would have a world full of bald, toothless, cannibals just gumming on each other. My store would thrive though because I would figure out some way to grind people up into "awesome super neat people human funtastic yogurt". Of course I would have to steal some cows to make the yogurt part of the mix....probably from my own father because he trusted me before I did it.......I don't know what I would do with the money, probably join Bill Gates' fight against cancer.....

I think i'll stop right there. If Opera's teeth fell out she wouldn't be near as popular.....or understandable I guess? She wouldn't lose her hair because you can't "lose" your wig, unless you misplace it while you're gumming on someone. But if cow snatching became an issue, Opera would no doubt be mistakenly stolen for obvious reasons.....maybe it wasn't a mistake?

I gotta go. I think this is my stop.

TOPIC: Suicide rate.

Question: Is it really that big of a surprise that the suicide rate is rising?


Tricky tries to explain:

I read that the suicide rate in the U.S. is on the rise. I also read that lots of people were surprised at this. Did nobody see the obvious signs of this? Let me discuss some obvious signs. How about the people who are standing at the crosswalks? Are they REALLY standing at the crosswalk to cross????? I mean REALLY.....I see people stand on the very edge of the curb, with their toes basically curling over and clinging to the edge, leaning out at a 30 degree angle, and looking as if the ultimate goal is to eat bugs off my windshield with their faces. This to me seems like a rather obvious cry for help.....or for food, especially if they're trying to eat my shield bugs.

Johnny Depth ponders:

Let me say this over and over again. This. This. This. This does surprise me Tricky. I thought with all those buildings getting taller and taller fewer people would be getting so close to the edges. "I'd jump, but it's just too damn high." Now that I think about it though, my initial argument sucks. The bigger the buildings the more ledges to jump from. Could the cause be deeper than advances in building techniques and materials? Could it be that we've just got it too easy these days? Life's not getting more complex, we've just got more time to make it more complex. In the USA, you don't have to do very much to survive these days. Go sit behind a computer for 7 to 9 hours a day and your probably making enough to work five days a week and play Wii the other two days taking 20 minute breaks to nuke some hot-pockets. That is considerably easier than waking every morning at daybreak and grabbing the old hunting stick to scour the surrounding area in minimal cloths and poor foot-ware in the hope that you will be able to catch a small dove, sage grouse, or cotton tail napping on the job. When you're so close to death every day, I doubt there's time to think about crowding the curb or playing hide and go seek in bear country. Just a guess, but I bet the suicide rate in Darfur is pretty low, not that it is a statistic that is readily available... They're too busy avoiding mass murder to count how many people opted not to wait for the cross-walk.


Tricky raises the pot by two cents:

That's probably true, or maybe "that's" is simply "that's", and "true" is still "true". Either way, without the word substitution from the bench of lies, I would say you're onto something....and hopefully it's not crack again. I mean, think about all the time wasted on thinking about how to waste our time. Here we are talking to basically nobody, yet amusing each other, pretending to be friends when in reality the ultimate goal is to see who can rob who first and leave zero fingerprints. Even though it takes a mere condensed breath placed in the wrong spot to get caught for a crime these days.....and that's the truth (according to CSI). What the hell were we talking about to begin this mess I call a post? Oh right.....I really only had one question from your previous post.....

What is a cotton tail's job?

Johnny Depth takes Tricky's two cents and pockets it:

Survival...

Judgement

No! I am not questioning my ability to make decisions... Or maybe I am.

Question: Does it make me a bad person?

Johnny Depth offers a thought:

Last week I got a notice in the mail from Playboy that I have been suspended, and it started an unstoppable train of thought. When an institution as free thinking as Playboy pulls the plug, it must be bad. Is this an evil path I am treading down? Am I going to stab an old lady tomorrow... and enjoy it? Tricky... what do you think?

TOPIC: A big F-U to Northwest Airlines

Question: Who the hell does NWA think they are?

Answer: I'll tell ya who.....

Tricky Dick rampages:

I recently took a trip to Hawaii and had the unfortunate experience of flying Northwest Airlines. The 3 immediate and biggest problems I have with this airline are as follows:

Problem 1. They try to charge you for EVERYTHING. Peanuts -$2, Headphones - $3

Problem 2. The stewards were complete assholes.

Problem 3. I have WAY more than 3 problems with this Airline.

I will try to keep it short and simple enough for the simplest of you reading this.....well, except you there with helmet and mouth-guard, you should just head to the ball-pit to play. Your time is better spent there. Anywho....

Order of events: Get to airport, NWA Plane is 1 hour late departing (Alaska will comp drinks when this happens), get on NWA Plane and as dirty as it was I would assume the previous crew was very busy flinging their poo at each other (hence why it was an hour late), we depart for Hawaii and the first thing I hear from the stewardess is complaining....about nothing, Snack cart comes around - Peanuts $2, Chips $5, non-alcoholic beverages were free to my amazement (normally nobody should ever be amazed by this, but it was like a fucking magic trick at this point for me..), I skip the snacks and head for the $5 bottles of wine. It's movie time, luckily I had my own headphones so I didn't have to pony up the $3 for theirs (which they probably stole out of some children's stockings at an underfunded orphanage). The movie out was fine, but the staff was a mix of complete assholes (which doesn't take much mixing when they are all equally asshole-ish). They wouldn't serve any of the passengers, so we had to start ringing the call button to get them to acknowledge us. (Next time I am bringing a whistle....or maybe a cattle prod....that should get a rise out of someone and get me some fucking peanuts). All in all, the flight back was even worse and I will never fly this shackles and chains airline ever again.

I try not to bitch too much. But in this case I wanted to do what I could to inform the good people of the blog-o-sphere and save them some headaches.


Johnny Depth:

Tricky has obviously had better flights, but Tricky got to go to Hawaii; therefore, this was a short shit storm in a week in paradise.

You know what I love about flying, that person that it is really talkative and irritating when the plane is taxiing around on the ground, and deftly silent when the plane is rocketing off the runway. I really enjoy that, you know what else I enjoy... baby Pandas.

But I am not without problems. Here are three of my problems.

Problem 1: The effects of alcohol are delayed. This is a biggy and makes me lose--in general.

Problem 2: I can never run fast in my dreams when I need to; I lose in dreams too.

Problem 3: Playboy sent me a suspension notice. According to me there are many levels of human character, none of which have been formally defined by me. I think that will be the topic of my next post. Hold on to your logic--you don't want to get it lost in mine.

TOPIC: Nintendo Wii..... Weeeeee!!!!!!

Question: What is Nintendo thinking?!?!


Tricky Dick shall say:

I'm not sure what Nintendo was smoking when they created Nintendo Wii, but hope it's for sale....somewhere on my block. These turkeys decided that it's a good idea to make a physically interactive gaming device? Morons. In case you're unfamiliar (hi, I'm Dick, now we're familiar), this little guy has a couple of wireless ninja toy looking motion sensing, controlling devices which you swing around like a jackass in order to play some of the games. Does Nintendo realize the crowd they're playing to? There are two types which make up the majority:

Type 1: Consists of people of which the reason most of these people are playing these games is to get the warm feeling of the abilities of a superhero or sports star because they themselves cannot chew gum and walk without knocking the power down in a small metropolitan area. These people are just going to realize once again how terribly untalented and uncoordinated they are and probably cry themselves to sleep after a few shots of drain-o.

Type 2: Consists of people of whom are so morbidly obese or plain fucking lazy that they would rather do just about anything besides physical motion. "I have a brilliant idea! Let's get them to do physical motion! They will learn to love it!".....no, no they won't, but they will learn to hate you for thinking like Richard Simmons. You will need to head in the other direction for these people to buy your shit. Maybe create something where they can play simply by thinking about playing. Work on that.

Your thoughts?


Johnny Depth:

Sorry about the delay tricky... I decided, like an idiot, to go hiking around on Mt. Hood for a couple of days and to my surprise got caught in some unfavorable conditions. I agree, I think that Nintendo may have made a poor financial move here by possibly alienating its core-base, but they are still a step a-head of Senator Kerry who alienated the entire base by calling the military a bunch of underachievers... Wasn't he in the military? Anyway... that's old news. While this may hurt Nintendo, I believe that it is good for society. Finally those guys in computer labs everywhere will have to come to the realization that thumb coordination and an inordinate amount time spent behind the flicker of a game-console may no-longer be enough to separate the boys from the boys. Now they'll have to flail their arms around and really look stupid. Hard to play Wii and look like a badass. I hate those little fuckers in the back of the room always talking about how good they are at video games. Now maybe this gives the average Joe a step up.

Average Joe -- individual who uses arms for more than connecting thumbs to body. Play video games for fun on occasion rather than primary source of self-esteem.